Sub ref, please

Watching my son play football yesterday (his team lost to a sickening last-gasp goal), I noticed straight away that the opposition coach had an extraordinarily loud voice. So what else could I do but write down everything he said over the course of the 80 minutes…

First Half
Keep it moving.
Make it stick.
Always awake.
Constant talking.
Ball to feet.
Leighton can hang.
Go with him.
Josh, talk to him.
Keep tight.
You can’t stand and watch.
He makes every ball look good.
Well in, Mario.
Round the outside.
Let’s get someone in the middle of the park.
Oli, quicker with your feet.
Joe, man behind.
No, no, no, no, no.
Take responsibility.
Don’t let them into the game, fellers.
And again.
Good head, son.
You know he’s not great at looking.
That’s a great ball.
Good football again.
Keep working.
Josh, beware.
Good lad, good tackle.
Are you having it? No?
Brilliant, mate.
Let’s play football, come on.
Get it on the deck.
Get it down and play.
Well in, Jacko.
Great football, that.
Finn, on your toes, mate.
Go with him.
Push forward.
Sub ref, please.
Right, get stretched out.
Keep it super tight.
Get out with him.
Chase him down.
You’ve got to work harder against him.
Jack, talk to Finn all the time, he’s not an experienced forward, is he?
Take him down, Finn.
Luke, if you think you’re in a good position, drop ten.
Jack, go hard.
Joe, you’ve lost a man behind.
You’ve got to drag him back in the middle.
Please don’t think for yourself.
Pressing, pressing.
That loose ball’s a one v one.
Run at them, Jack.
Run him, Mario, run him.
Fellers, when we get in their penalty area, pass the ball quicker.
Do not get too far forward.
Right Luke, talk to them all the time.
Move for each other.
Be incisive with your passing.

0-1

Lazy, that.
Come on, you’re better than that.
Tom, you’ve got to shield that back three.
Turn, give, have it.
Tom – centre, back of the circle… you can’t drift.
Simple.
You’re making it too easy.
Sub ref, please.
Right, let’s attack this ball.
Luke, stay positional.
Unlucky, Brands.
Come on Jack, play football.
Tom, drop in.
Back you come, Gav.
Oooooooh!
Right, face it up.
Brands, you’ve got to pass our way out of trouble.
You think you can beat eight players past the halfway line?

Half time

If you get the ball with your back to play you can’t turn. If you could you’d be on the telly yesterday.
Positional discipline.

Second half
Mario, hit the byline.
Kick start your run.
Come on, two-touch.
Loads of bodies round you there.
We did an hour on that in training.
Unlucky Leight.
Follow it in.
You’ve got to be moving now.
Well in, Brands.
Again, look after each other.
Go again, go again.
Jack, press forward.
Who’s in there?
Get your foot in.
You’ve got to get in front.
You’re making life too easy.
Corner ball that, surely?
Get on the end of this.
Mario, give me five hard minutes.
Few tackles from behind there.
Work hard, mate.
Unlucky.
Luke, if you think you’re in a good space, ten yards back.
Keep playing.
Sub ref, please.
Come on guys, that’s awful, no excuse.
Get ready.
Fellers, we’ve got twenty-five minutes, step it up.
Battle for it, fellers.
Sub ref, please.
Chasing the game now for the first time in six weeks.
It’s all about effort.
It’s got to go more diagonal.
Good head.
You’re left-footed – hit it.
Get on the keeper.
Luke, hold the centre, play it deep – everything else is brilliant.
Sub ref, please.
Tom, have a rest.
Keep it tight.
Twenty minutes, players, come on.
Come on, up we go.
Good lad, Luke.
Position now.
Luke, play deep.
Jacko, I know you know: let’s keep it tight, let’s make it stick.
Go with the line.
Twist your player.
Matty, you’ve got to be chasing everything.
Got to be doing that.
Go in, on the wing.
Don’t you dare turn away.
Fifteen minutes.
Man on.
Tackle.
Unlucky, Sammy.
Connor, you’re jogging.
Connor, you’ve got to work.
Help him.
Go again.
We’ve got to get it across the front of goal and in.
Joe get central, Luke get central.
Come on, be quick, be quick.
We’ve got guys in acres.
You’ve got to follow it in.
What are you waving your arms for?
Brands, if you moan again you’re coming off.
It’s all about how much you work.
Well in, Finn.
How long, ref, please?

1-1

Yes!
Sub ref, please.
Well done, fellers.
Right, let’s go for this, fellers. Let’s go for this.
Press forward, Mario.
Mario, lead the line.
Sammy, dictate.
Get forward, let’s go.
Luke: super tight, super deep.
Unlucky, Gav.
I just wanted you to roll it.
Leighton, make four in the middle.
Great ball,
And again, let’s go.
Brands, lead the line.
Sammy, there’s only you and Leighton in the middle.
Sammy, do you want it?
Do you want Brands to have it?
Good save, keeper.
Right, let’s go again.
Drop out.
Go for it Sam, have it off him.
You’ve got to win it in the middle.
Face him up, Connor.
Right, let’s go again.
Great supporting, Luke.
We have no time.
Right, come on, we’ve got to go.
Sammy, drop.
Go on the back post.
Think, will you?
Sub ref, please.
Brands, off.
For giving it the ref.
You’re out of order there.
All right, see you later.
If you barrack the ref and get a red, I agree.
Unlucky, fellers.
Walk it off, walk it off.